Gloria Virtutis Umbra: Romeward Bound

ONE BUSY WEEK? NAH, IT'S JUST HOLY

2006-04-14T19:54:00.000-04:00

My goodness! It’s Friday of Holy Week, and with all that has been going on, I haven’t had time to make any entries. So, today, I thought I’d play “catch-up”. (If, of course, that is a feasible task!) So, hold on to your seat and be prepared for a long post! This was my first week in a Catholic environment, so there were a lot of “firsts” for me to experience and report.

Let’s start with Sunday, also known as Palm Sunday. This was to be our last dismissal as candidates/catechumen. Needless to say, it was a bittersweet moment for each of us. It was also our last Sunday as non-Catholics. The one thing that I can say about this Mass was the amount of standing. We stood for the entire reading of the Passion, and might I add, that is no small feat if one is wearing heels, as I was!

On Tuesday, was the Chrism Mass. This was one event I wanted to attend more than anything, and, lo and behold, against odds, I was invited to. (FYI, in our diocese, this is an invite-only affair. Only so many parishioners can attend from each parish.) Several other members of our class, our catechumen, and another candidate, were also in attendance. Deacon and his wife invited me to ride down to the Cathedral with them. Because he had to be vested for the occasion, we had to arrive super early. That was a good thing, too, because that Cathedral filled up rather quickly.

If I was looking forward to a spectacular event, I was not disappointed. This was one glorious Mass, full of all the pomp and circumstance that anyone could hope for. I tell you, the Catholic Church is amazing in that respect. I was sitting there the whole night just drinking it all in, thinking to myself, “I’m becoming part of this…..” This was my spiritual heritage now. I was rather flabbergasted by the amazing sights, sounds, and smells. The incense just filled the place to the rafters. The music was moving. The sights were to behold, especially the procession and recession of the priests, deacons, and three bishops. One’s senses were engaged during the whole evening. Then again, that is what the Rituals of the Church are all about. They engage the entire person. Finally, it makes sense.

The Mass itself was about and hour and a half long. Afterwards, we attended the reception before trotting back home to collapse in our beds of sheer exhaustion.

On Thursday, we had the Mass of the Lord’s Supper. Our class had been volunteered to have their feet washed, which was something (I have to confess) that made me rather uncomfortable. I guess I’m rather touchy about my feet, but I managed to get through it ok. This too was another occasion that touched your senses. Lots of great music, lots of incense, and don’t forget the water. Father Fred turned out to be the priest who washed my feet, and I was SO taken aback when he kissed my foot. Goodness gracious! Did I say I felt rather protective of my feet? Thank goodness I had washed my feet with antibacterial soap before I went!

To end the night, we were given hot cross buns, and we processed with the Blessed Sacrament, to the place where it would rest in repose. It was a somber moment, and as we followed the cross bearer, the Knights of Columbus, the altar servers, and the priests (one of whom had the Blessed Sacrament), I kept thinking to myself, “I’m following Christ. I’m following Christ to his death….” Talk about a moving experience. I think I’d even say I felt awe at the moment.

Finally, today is Good Friday. Sadly, I had to work, so I wasn’t able to attend any of the events of today. But I’m free tonight, and after I finish this, I’m going to plug in Jesus of Nazareth. (Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. Tonight is also the first night of the Divine Mercy Novena! I have to remember to do that before I retire tonight.)

Today is also my last full day outside the Church. Wow.

MY FIRST CONFESSION

2006-04-06T21:18:00.000-04:00

Well, I did it! I went to confession for the first time tonight, and I honestly can’t stop smiling! However, I didn’t I could make it, because I was so nervous that I was physically sick to my stomach. Interesting, though I was fine all week, and I would even go so far as saying I was excited about doing it. However, as I left work tonight, I got this overwhelming sense on nausea because the butterflies were acting up in high gear.

I had gone to the church an hour before me appointment with Father. I thought that since it was our monthly Eucharistic Adoration, it might be a good idea to start there for prayer and meditation on some passages in Isaiah. I’m glad I did. As nervous as I was, I felt that this communion with our Lord was a respite from my nerves. (It was also a good time for me to try out my new veil, which is something I have been feeling drawn to for some time.)

After an hour, I headed over to the parish office to see Father. I ever so timidly opened the door, and peeked my head into his office. He greeted me warmly, informing me that he was aware that it was my first confession. I was so nervous. I told him I was so nervous that I couldn’t remember a thing about what I read, but he was so patient with me as I plodded through my notes. With quivering voice, I rattled off my sins, and as I did so, Father was listening quietly, head bent down as if pondering what I was saying. It was an emotional moment for me. I received my counsel, and he gave me absolution. From that moment on, I had the biggest grin on my face!

Afterward, I headed back to the church, for another session before the Blessed Sacrament. I was still smiling, and I was a bit taken aback at the sensation I was feeling! The Rite of Reconciliation rocks!

Now, several hours later, the relief has sunk in, and now I just want to weep with joy. I am forgiven. What grace has been shown to me this night! Interestingly enough, tonight, when I was reading the next chapter in my bible, something struck me. It was Luke 15, and in that passage, Jesus talks about how heaven rejoices when a sinner repents. Talk about a God-incidence and an affirmation that I was ok to move on. I'll have to let Father know.

THE SECOND SCRUTINY AND GREAT NEWS

2006-03-26T19:08:00.000-05:00

We are a day shy of three weeks away from Easter Vigil. THREE WEEKS! I simply cannot believe that the time has flown by so fast. My goodness!

I got some absolutely wonderful news today, news I had hoped would come. I was offered a ticket to attend the Chrism Mass. Now, for those who don’t know what the Chrism Mass is, it is the Mass held during Holy Week where the bishop consecrated the Holy Oil that will be used throughout the year. It’s a spectacular event, from what I’ve heard, and in this diocese, is a by-invite only. Initially, only our catechumen was given a ticket. I ran into Deacon Larry at the Stations of the Cross last night, and he mentioned that he was given extra tickets to give out, and I, ever to so eager to attend the event, offered to go if he needed a volunteer. Today, he mentioned it to the group at our dismissal, and he mentioned my name as one who was attending. Can I say I am doing a happy dance tonight? I was so majorly disappointed when they gave the ticket to the catechumen, and here I am, going after all. God is too good!

Today was also our second scrutiny. My sponsor couldn't make it, so one of our catechists stood in for her. She'll have to repreat the process next week as well, as my sponsor will be out of town.

I know I’ve mentioned in an earlier entry, but these little rites are just so moving. The Catholic Church has a lot of beautiful ceremony. Needless to say, I am big on ritual, so these are quite a wonderful for me. I should think I’ll miss them when I’m done with RCIA, though….

RITE OF RECONCILIATION

2006-03-12T19:24:00.000-05:00

I had the opportunity to go to another Rite of Reconciliation at church today. This was the second one that I had gone to, and like the other one (which was during the Advent season), I felt a sense of humilty. However, unlike the Advent Rite, I was also thinking that the time is nearly here for me to actually do my first confession. (Catechumen don't have to do the confession before confirmation because their baptism washes away the sin. I on the other hand, am baptized and are therefore a Candidate. We DO have to do that confession before our confirmation!) Needless to say, I feel a twinge of anxiety at the prospect of airing my dirty spiritual laundry. One of our priests is going to lead our class next week through the Rite of Reconciliation/Confession, and I am really looking forward to that. Maybe some of the fears can be put aside after that.

Earlier in the day, we had a great homily. It was about letting go--of fears, dreams, plans, whatever, and giving them back to God. This really struck me to the core. Coming into the Church has been like that. Of course, I have other issues that I could/should/need to let go of, but I'm finding it extremely difficult to do so. My prayer is that God will give me the strength to "let Him have it" so I can move on. The thing is, once they go to God, we have to make sure we don't take them back. I guess it's really a matter of faith--do we, or can we trust Him with those things which are most precious to us?

RITE OF ELECTION

2006-03-08T18:39:00.000-05:00

All right, I'm a few days late to post this, but here I am!

Monday was a crazy day, to start off with. I had to work all day, but thankfully managed to get out early. Then I had to rush home, change into something decent, do the hair and makeup, and then scoot over the Wittkoskis' house. Irene had invited me to have dinner with her before we drove to the Cathedral of St. Andrew for the service.

For those who aren't aware, The Rite of Election is when those of us in RCIA go to the Cathedral to be received by the bishop. It's really where the Church accepts us as catechumen/candidates. Actually, the ceremony was called "The Rite of Election and Call to Continuing Conversion". The Rite of Election is for the people who aren't baptized. These are the ones who sign their names in the Book of the Elect. The Call to Continuing Conversion is for those who have been baptized. I happen to fall in the latter group.

This rite was unbelievable awesome, and as we had front row seats, we had a good view of the spectacle--up close and personal. It's hard to put into words just what I was feeling. I wasn't anticipating getting so emotional, but I found myself getting teary-eyed and goose pimply. The music was majestic and filled the cathedral to the rafters. It literally resounded through the place and shook one to the core!

To begin, the Books of the Elect from each of the parish's represented were brought up to the altar, one parish at a time. As we sang "All People That on Earth Do Dwell," the cross bearer, altar servers, and deacon carrying the Book the the Gospel came in. Then, the priests proceeded forth in their vestments. Bishop Hurley brought up the rear. My, what a sight he was, with his miter, shepherd's crook, and purple cope! Bishop Hurley gave the opening remarks, and then we embarked on the various bible readings, done in both English and Spanish.

Following the readings, they had the catechumen stand for the godparents' and assembly's affirmation. This was followed by the candidates standing for the celebration of the call to continuing conversion.

Finally, the time came for each parish to present their catachumen/candidates to the Bishop. We were about halfway down the list. We were called up to the front before the altar, and one by one, as our names were called, we climbed the stairs, crossed in front of the altar, to where the Bishop stood. He was incredible kind. He put his left hand on my shoulder, shook my hand with his right hand, and spoke of how wonderful it was that I was coming into the Church. There was so much genuine warmth from this man. Then I exited to the right, circle in back of the altar, and proceed back to my pew. It went on this way for all of us.

When all of us had been presented to the bishop, we (the catechumen and candidates) were instructed to kneel for the intercessions. Our sponsors placed their right hand on our shoulders when the prayers were said. It was very moving, one of the more moving moments of the service.

Finally, we were dismissed and we headed home. It was an emotional evening, one I had looked forward to for so long. We are now accepted by the Church.

RITE OF SENDING

2006-03-05T20:52:00.000-05:00

Today was the Rite of Sending. It is the rite whereby the parish sends out to meet with the bishop, which will by taking place tomorrow evening. It was a brief ceremony, and not too exciting. Really, there wasn't too much too it. Our catechuman signed the Book of the Elect, that was placed on the altar. The rest of us went up to the altar later for the priest's blessing.

On the downside, my sponsor didn't show up. I had attempted to call her last night, but apparently the message didn't get through. Fortunately for me, one of our catechists was gracious enough to stand in for her at the rite.

WHAT A DAY IN RCIA!

2006-03-04T08:41:00.000-05:00

I know, I'm a day late in making this entry. I was so wiped out after it all that I came home and crashed, despite my good intentions to the contrary.

So, what did I do that was so exhausting? Well, for starters, I had worked all day. Then, I had to rush over to church for the Soup Supper at our parish. It the last one of the season and our RCIA class was signed up to participate, and I got the honor of cleaning up the tables. Actually, it was more enjoyable than I anticipated. What a change of pace from cleaning up after patients all day. I was so exhausted by the end of it, though. So much so, that I thought I couldn't take another step by the end of the day!

After the supper, I went with one of my classmates to the first Stations of the Cross. I'm still feeling the effects today, both physically and spiritually. I had been forewarned about all the genuflections, kneeling, and standing, so I had some idea that it could be a little rough. (I'm still feeling a slight ache in my left thigh.) What I wasn't prepared for was the spiritual workout I was to receive. Believe it or not, it touched me deeply. I can't quite explain it. I just felt this sorrow, which it appropriate considering the season is Lent.

Well, that was my day in a nutshell. The countdown to Easter Vigil continues. I am still amazed at just how close it is--approximately 5 1/2 weeks!

ASH WEDNESDAY

2006-03-01T21:24:00.000-05:00

Today was Ash Wednesday. Instead of class, we attended Mass instead. It was interesting, that in all the years I have been a Christian, this was the first time I had attended an Ash Wednesday service. We even discussed this during our dismissal time tonight. Not many of us had, so I wasn't alone.

They had us sit together, in the usual spot--right in the front row. After the readings, we qued up for the mark of the ashes. I was thinking, as I stood there awaiting my turn, that in just a few weeks, we would be up there awaiting our first communion. It was an overpowering feeling. We got to do something that all the Catholics could do.

It is also sobering that this is Lent. LENT! I can't believe that time has gone so fast. October, our first class, seemed like yesterday, and here we are, approximately 6 weeks away from Easter Vigil. Man! I'm both nervous and excited, all at once.

We're almost home!

TWO MONTHS TO GO!

2006-02-12T21:30:00.000-05:00

Well, time is passing swiftly. We're edging closer to the Vigil service, and unfortunately, we're slowly losing people. So far, we've lost two, with the possibility of losing more. It's sad, truthfully.

Our RCIA director is now a deacon. Yesterday, he was ordained into the permanent deaconate at the Cathedral of St. Andrew. I know he's been really excited about it, and I'm really happy for him. He's been great for our class, and I hope his enthusiasm will continue as the program evolve under his guidance. I'm hoping for the opportunity to serve next season, God willing, and it will be a great way to ease myself into ministry.

HEARING THE LORD'S CALL

2006-01-15T20:25:00.000-05:00

There are approximately three months until Easter Vigil. Time is really flying by, let me tell you.

Today’s scripture readings were particularly meaningful for me. The Old Testament reading was from 1st Samuel (3:3b-10, 19), and pertained to Samuel’s hearing God’s voice. After the third time of mistakenly thinking it was Eli who was calling him, he responded to God by saying, “Speak, for your servant is listening.” The response to the Psalm (#40) was, "Here am I, Lord; I come to do your will.” I was also struck in Mass by a line in 1 Corinthians 6:13c-15a, 17-20. That line says simply, “…you are not your own. For you have been purchased at a price.” Finally, the Gospel reading, from John 1:35-42, spoke of encountering Christ.

I had been meditating on these scriptures earlier in the week, and I began to see that I am in the process of responding to the Lord’s call in entering the Church. It is a frequent subject that keeps coming up, in that is about submission to Him who sends us out into the world.
In addition, I’m also feeling a growing sense that I am being called to some kind of ministry in the Church. I guess I could combine the above scripture to come up with the following: “Here am I, Lord; I come to do your will. Speak, for your servant is listening.” I was having breakfast with some friends at the Knights of Columbus pancake breakfast this morning addressing this subject. One of them suggested going back to school at Franciscan University to become a Religious Educator.

Let me get through RCIA first before any further discernment.

THE RITE OF ACCEPTANCE

2006-01-08T21:42:00.000-05:00

What a day! Our first major rite occurred today! We had the Rite of Acceptance/Welcoming at the 9 o’clock Mass. It was a tad nerve-wracking, but after a bit of deep breathing and coaching from my sponsor, I managed to do pretty well, if I do say so myself. My greatest fear was having to tell the congregation why I wanted to join the Catholic Church. In the end, I didn’t use my own words. Instead, I used the words of
St. Cyprian of Carthage:

“I wish to join the Catholic Church because, as St. Cyprian of Carthage
wrote: ‘There is one God, and one Christ, and one Church, and one Chair
founded on Peter by the word of the Lord.’ “

The Rite was moving, much more so that I had anticipated. I can even say that it exceeding my expectations. Everyone else in the class had the same feeling, as well.

The day started on a hectic moment. Now, I had it planned that I’d be up a little early in order to take my time this a.m. But, no, that wasn’t to be! Somehow, I ran out of time and I was luck to get my hair done, makeup on, get dressed, and run out the door. It was miracle that I was able to make it to church at the preappointed time of 8:40. There was no shortage of stress already, but that just about topped it off.

Our class, sponsors, and RCIA team gathered in the narthex of the church. Father Fred Brucker had requested that we meet with him before the Mass in order to do a “huddle” to go over last minute details before marching out. Unfortunately, some of the sponsors did not show up. (Thankfully, mine was there, early.) We lined up, and as we did so, my nervousness went up a notch or two. The processional song began (We Three Kings), and we marched out. Down the aisle we went, bowed before the altar, and then took our places before the altar. I can still remember the awe I felt as I stood up, sensing Him standing there before me. I was in His presence.

The Rite itself was beautiful. Originally, we were supposed to speak into a microphone in response to the priest’s inquiry into the reason we wanted to join. Father Brucker had told us that the microphone was missing for the first time since he started. A coincidence, or blessing? (Personally, I’m thinking the latter!) Anyway, that went well, and I managed to get through it without stumbling on myself. Surprise, surprise.

After we finished that part of the Rite, the scriptures were read, and we were presented with our bibles. Father prayed over us again, and then we were dismissed. The greatest part of that was when the congregation serenaded us out of the sanctuary. It reminded me of a lullaby. It was beautiful.

Following the rite, we went downstairs. Larry, our director, had us discuss our experiences during the service. We went around the table, and for most of us, it was incredibly moving. How could it not be?

After the morning Masses, we topped our day off with the Epiphany Party, an annual gathering held for the parishioners. It was quite a spread. I got to sit with my sponsor, her family, and Jerry and Irene (two of our RCIA catechists, friends, and mentors to me.) Too bad most of our class didn’t go. I spent a good deal of time speaking with Jerry and Irene about my future plans once I entered the Church.

(Just for kicks, I’ve added the following article is from our parish bulletin for today…..

RICA: Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults
Today, during the Rite of Acceptance and Welcoming at the 9:00 AM Mass, 9 persons are committing to continue their journey of discernment
toward the reception of the Sacrament of Initiation at the Easter Vigil. Of these, Steven Broekema, who is to be baptized will enter the period of the Catechumenate. The others will prepare to be confirmed and receive Eucharist. Those candidates are: Elisabeth Chase, Marc Groenleer, Nicole DeHaan, Shirley Kloet, Amy Lansdale, Joel Postma, Mary Rees, and Melissa Pawlanta.

During the Rite of Acceptance and Welcoming, all the senses of each person are blessed to enhance their openness to put of Christ. They also receive the Bible as a road map for the journey. The best gift however, is the prayerful support of the worshipping community! We are all in the process together, and let us continue to pray for one another throughout this journey.

A BUSY NIGHT

2006-01-04T14:53:00.000-05:00

RCIA resumed last night. Tonight was a busy one. We started out in class, and were introduced to our sponsors. Frankly, no one was too terribly enthused to meet one another. I was a bit surprised. My sponsor is younger than I, has body piercings, and her personality is certainly different than mine. I'm bit disappointed, to be honest. I was hoping for someone older, and a cradle Catholic. In other words, I was looking for a mentor. Obviously, God had different plans.

After that little get together, we moved into the sanctuary for the rehearsal. Our Rite of Acceptance/Welcoming is this coming Sunday, and so we had to do a run through with the lectors and altar attendants to make sure everything is going to go smoothly. Then we were told that we needed to come up with an answer to the Father's question as to why we wanted to enter the Church, and then we have to say it in front of the entire congregation. Can I say I'm more than just a little nervous at such a prospect. I think I'll end up quoting Chesterton about it being a grand love affair. That's just what it is, too.

So, we shall see. We have just a little over 3 months until Easter Vigil.

OBEDIENCE

2005-12-18T19:09:00.000-05:00

For the past few weeks, Father has been giving homilies that seem to have a common thread running through them--obedience to God's will. Today, he talked about Mary's willingness to submit to God's will even though her decision to do so could carry some serious consequences, including risking death.

All this talk has had me thinking. Is entering the Church being obedient to God's will? The answer I've come up with is this--yes. Like Mary, I'm having to make some serious decisions regarding the matter, although, thankfully, not to the extent of having to face death. However, it does risk heartache and rejection. In moving toward the Catholicism, I've lost my friends from my previous church. They will have nothing to do with me. Even my family is against the Church. So, here I am, following blindly, sensing that this is the place to which I was called.

Father called Mary's obedience an "obedience of faith", which meant that she allowed God's will to be done in her without fear. She simply submitted herself to Him, and Christ was brought into this world through her.

I should be blessed if I could have that same kind of fearlessness.

THE LAST CLASS OF OUR PRE-CATECHUMANATE!

2005-12-13T22:28:00.000-05:00

Today was our last day of class for our pre-catecumanate period of RCIA. I have to confess a tinge of sadness, but also a great deal of excitement, relief, and excitement at the prospect of the next step. We will re-convene on January 3, at which time we’ll have a dress rehearsal for our Rite of Acceptance/Welcoming that will proceed on January 8. We’ll also meet our sponsors on the 3rd.

I’m not sure just how I feel about this. I’m curious just how my sponsor and I will get along. Will it be a good match? I hope so, but I’m nervous that it won’t be a good thing! Maybe I’m a little pessimistic here, but I’m actually NOT looking forward to this. I’ve heard too many bad stories about mismatches, that I’m a little leery here.

To top off the evening, we had a little party to celebrate Christmas, it was nice to hang back and talk with the RCIA team after most of the class took off. What a great group of people who I will miss after this is through!

On the down side, I talked with our RCIA director who has decided to hold me in class through to the Easter Vigil. To say I’m disappointed is an understatement. Perhaps I have to learn patience. Whatever. It’s never easy.

ANOTHER BUSY WEEK IN THE JOURNEY

2005-12-11T19:39:00.000-05:00

Yes, I can say that I have been quite busy. We're nearing the end of our pre-catechumanate period, with only class to go. It's hard to believe that only ten or so weeks ago we were strangers, and now are ready to embark on the next stage of our journey.

This week we discussed the Nicene and Apostle's Creeds. Those were things that came easily to me when I started studying Catholicism earlier this year. In fact, their contents were what helped to start at chipping away at my scepticism about the Church. I started to see that I had some common ground with Catholics, and once I could grasp that fact, the rest started to fall into place, albeit slowly in some places.

On Thursday, I had experienced my second Holy Day of Obligation, the Immaculate Conception. For some reason, the idea of Mary is getting easier to digest, the longer I am involved with the Church. I struggled with her for so long, and now feel that I've arrived at a point where I have a certain amount of comfort with her. Go figure.

Then, today, I experienced my first Penance service. There really wasn't much to it, and I only got to experience part of it, since I can't have confession yet. But all in all, it was interesting, and makes me want to have more. (The Eucharist is the other biggie, or should I say, big sore spot, for me. I go through moments of dispair just thinking I can't experience it. I just have to sit there and watch everybody go through it. It's quite sad for me, really.)

AM I BORED, OR AM I BORED?

2005-11-29T21:12:00.000-05:00

I hate to whine, but here goes.

I've come to the point where I am so bored with RCIA. I never thought I'd expect to say that, but it dawned on me at tonight's class that that is what I've been experiencing. Yes, I am bored. Stiff.

Tonight's class was on the Liturgical year. Sadly to say, I wasn't too impressed with the presentation. The poor leader was in a hurry due to other pressing duties in the church and we were stuck with a hurried outline. It isn't exactly an easy subject, and even I had difficulty understanding it. I feel sorry for some of my classmates who hadn't studied the subject before.

I can't say that I've learned anything new from RCIA. Sad, but true. I had done so much from my readings before I started the class, and now I'm having to restudy. I don't take too kindly to redundancy. I know I'm sounding pretty harsh. The catechists for the most part are great. It's just me that I'm having a problem with.

THE DEPTH OF THE CHURCH

2005-11-15T22:40:00.000-05:00

I never ceases to amaze me how incredibly deep the Church is in terms of it signs and symbols. Tonight's RCIA lecture was about that subject, and was given by a delightful priest who was incredibly good at going into detail with explaining the signs and symbols used in the Church, from the structure on to objects we use in Mass.

I always appreciated that fact that there is much more to the Church than meets the eye. Tonight was a refresher of sorts, but also was an eye opener as well. I just wish we could have spent more time going more in depth! (I just love this stuff, you know!)

AN INTERESTING NIGHT

2005-11-09T00:25:00.000-05:00

A few days ago, I was bummed out about my family's disagreeable attitude towards Catholicism. Tonight, my heart has been lightened. What was discouragement has been turned into joy.

We had a blast at RCIA tonight. Our leader tonight had us play a Catholic version of Jeopardy, with three categories being highlighted--Saints, Angels, and Mary. The class was divided into three teams, and lo and behold, I was nominated team captain, no less. It's rather amusing, since I was never considered for such a position in all my life. What a hoot! And the class was a hoot, too!

Adding to this was the fact that my RCIA director approached me and was discussing the possibility of entering the Church early. He has even gone so far as discussing the possibility with our pastor already. Whoa! Although I am secretly hoping for this, I will leave it to God to decide that.

The Roughest Journey...

2005-11-06T13:51:00.000-05:00

It was difficult to get through Mass today. I’m in a lot of emotional turmoil right now, and I was pretty distracted. I’m having mixed feelings about this journey. (It pops up every now and then.) I was thinking about it today, and realized a lot of what I’m feeling is grief.

I grieve over the loss of a way of faith I was familiar with since I was a small child. I was raised in the Protestant Christian faith and I'm changing that to something fairly foreign.

I grieve the fact I can’t take the Eucharist. I’m sitting there, and I find myself getting angry at feeling like a second rate citizen. I’m as much a Christian as the next, and here I am, relegated to sitting in the pew while the rest of the congregation gets to partake. It really saddens me as well.

I am especially grieving the fact that I have to do this alone. My family can’t support me. They either despise Catholicism outright or they just don’t understand it. It’s sad, but this has driven a wedge between us. I want support, but know I’m on my own here.

Maybe I should just walk away from this for a few weeks to see how I do. I realize that the Church is the true church, but emotionally, I’m so drained I can barely stand it. Will I be able to work through it without anybody to talk to? I wonder. I pray the Lord will send me someone to talk to…..

FIRST DISMISSAL AND HOLY DAY OF OBLIGATION

2005-11-02T00:43:00.000-05:00

Today is the Solemnity of All Saints. It was my first holy day of obligation. This day also marked the first time our RCIA class was "dismissed".

To those who aren't familiar with the rite, it is the point in the Mass that catechumen (folks who are aren't baptised) and the candidates (people who are baptised) are "dismissed" before communion is served. You see, non-Catholics can't take communion in a Catholic church, and hence, there exists the rite that allows the catechumen and candidates time to leave and reflect of the scripture readings what they just heard in Mass.

I was so nervous. Just the thought of getting up and standing in front of the church was nervewracking! I was literally shanking up until the point when Father called us up and blessed us before sending us off to reflect on the passages. To make the whole thing rather funny, Father had to call us up twice, because nobody knew what to do! It was too funny and embarrassing at the same time. It was like "duh!" Finally, our RCIA director motioned for us to get up there, and we went. Whoops.....

FEAST OF SS SIMON AND JUDE

2005-10-29T01:48:00.000-04:00

Today was my first feast day as an RCIA student. I went to mass with Irene, one of the RCIA team members, and I was so pleased to have someone to sit with, at long last. It was shorter than the Sunday masses, but still, it was mass, and I was enthralled. Mass is such a wonderful thing. I don't know if cradle Catholics realize how wonderful their faith is.

On the way out of church, Irene and I went into the shrine of St. Jude. There she told me a little about the shrine and how the candles are lit. Also, she introduced me to the holy water fonts and showed me how to bless myself. As she explained, since I was already baptised, I was permitted to do that myself. That in itself was the highlight of the evening. To feel the holy water and recall my baptism of so many years ago--wow! What an amazing feeling. I couldn't imagine I'd feel so moved, but I was.

IT'S BEEN AWHILE....

2005-10-25T20:58:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been a few weeks since my last entry, so I thought that it was about time to get with it and let everybody know that, yes, I am still alive and kicking.

We are in the fourth week of RCIA, and everything is progressing nicely. I love it, and can honestly say that RCIA is the highlight of my week, along with Mass. I missed last Sunday due to feeling a little under the weather, and I felt a bit lost. I just spent the entire Sunday in bed.

Now, back to RCIA. We have about 8 people in the program and have some wonderful team members. So far, we've had lessons on Church History and Structure, the Bible and traditions, and Prayer and the Rosary. Most of these topics I've already touched on in my private studies, but I have still managed to learn something from those teaching. It's been nice to be able to have the opportunity to ask questions. I haven't been able to do that when I'm reading on my own.

Next week should be interesting. It's a holy day of obligation, All Saints' Day. Apparently, we'll have our first rite of dismissal. I'm rather anxious when I think that I'll actually have to get up in front of everybody!

MY FIRST EUCHARISTIC ADORATION

2005-10-07T01:14:00.000-04:00

I had the opportunity to go to a Eucharistic Adoration tonight. It's held monthly at our parish, and though I've put it off for some time, I decided that it was about time that I go and check it out. I figured, RCIA has started, so let's go. I guess a part of me had to get some face time with Christ beyond the usual intermittant prayer that I usually do.

Needless to say, It was more that I had anticipated. Now, people had told me that it was an amazing experience, but I had not bargained for the overwhelming sense of God's presence that I had encountered. It was peaceful, quiet, and somber in the sanctuary. I began praying about the Eucharist, the Marian doctrines, etc.---subjects that I've struggled to make my own since starting my journey. I also prayed that God would show me guidance regarding conversion. Then, right in the middle of my visit, I started to get this strange feeling. It felt like heat was radiating from the monstrance on the altar. It was cool to my left and right, but warm right in the direction of the altar. It was intense enough to remind me of standing in the sunlight and allowing the sun to hit my face. It was somewhat eery, if you ask me, but at the same time comforting.

Then again, maybe it was my overactive imagination at work.....

RCIA STARTS!!!

2005-10-05T00:11:00.000-04:00

Yay! I can't express how overjoyed I am that RCIA finally started. After six months of personal study and anxious anticipation, it is finally here. My prayer is that our group will gel and that we'll become a close knit group. Our team seems to be delightful, and I look forward to getting to know them, too.

Our first session addressed some basic questions we had, and had a basic overview of the Church. Discussion was somewhat limited, but leave it to me to keep opening up my big mouth! I think I asked the most questions, and truthfully, I feel pretty obnoxious for doing it! I hope they don't hate me for it!

A QUOTE THAT SUMS IT UP...

2005-10-02T23:44:00.000-04:00

“He has come too near to the truth, and has forgotten that truth is
a magnet, with the powers of attraction and repulsion. . . . The moment men cease to pull against [the Catholic Church] they feel a tug towards
it. The moment they cease to shout it down they begin to listen to it with pleasure. The moment they try to be fair to it they begin to be fond of it. But when that affection has passed a certain point it begins to take on the tragic and menacing grandeur of a great love affair. . . . When he has entered the Church, he finds that the Church is much larger inside than it is outside.”

G. K. Chesterton
The Catholic Church and
Conversion

I had read this some time ago. I could not express my journey in any better words. Once I let my guard down, it was all over for me. Any doubts I had held about the Church was slowly worn away by the truth. I was left totally flabbergasted when I learned that so much of what I had heard about her were half-truths or misrepresentations, if not outright lies. I can't begin to tell you how angry that made me! I know I am not the only convert to have held those feelings, either.

Well, I can't change the past. I'm moving forward, and God willing, will have the opportunity to share that truth others. It's my prayer that other Protestants can find their home in her, too...

FOURS DAYS!

2005-10-02T00:17:00.000-04:00

There's four days until the start of RCIA! I can't wait! In fact, I feel like a kid at Christmas time. You know the feeling we used to get. It's a compilation of a lot of emotions for me right now---excitement, nervousness, anxiety, etc. I've waited a long time for this to come, and here I am. I look forward to the classes, and getting to know the other folks in it. I'll keep you posted....

AN AMAZING NIGHT!

2005-09-29T01:00:00.000-04:00

I has been a few days since I last posted an entry. I had to drop a line or two because something really cool happened today that I was not prepared for. I had the slightest sense of being Catholic. It was a novel feeling, but I had to share the experience with you.

Tonight was the last night of St. Jude Parish's mission. The underlying theme, if you could call it that, was the Eucharistic Adoration. Now, I had never been to a Eucharistic Adoration before, so this was a change of pace for me.

I walked in, and the whole sanctuary seemed to have a whole different feel to it. There was a somberness to it. I genuflected, found a spot on the pew, and then knelt for about 10 minutes. I was, how should I say it, enraptured but this sense of being in the presence of holiness. Then there was the incense, which was the first time I had ever smelled it. It was, as the mission priest called it, the Holy Smoke. That got a chuckle out of everyone. Then he proceeded to sprinkle holy water on us, and my rosary was blessed.

There is no doubt in my mind that Catholicism is my calling. Call it a divine love affair, if you will. This parish mission was very moving, and tonight had a profound effect on my psyche. Some converts tell of how the "smells and bells" got to them. I can see how that could have such an influence on them.

THE START OF THE JOURNEY

2005-09-25T05:28:00.000-04:00

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Has God been leading me to this moment? I have been spending a lot of time over the past few months, trying to dissuade my self from possible conversion to Catholicism. I am at this brink, or as I like to think of it, my canoe is just about over the dam. However, the more I study, the more I cannot help but think that I’ve been misled by Protestantism, the religion of my youth and early adulthood. I’m angry, saddened, disgusted, and frustrated that I wasn’t told the whole truth. History was been told one way, and it turns out a lot was left out.

So, how did I get to this point anyway? Great question. It’s one I’m still trying to unravel. I’m not sure what to make of it right now. Here I am, pondering what was the unthinkable—going to Rome, crossing the Tiber, converting to Catholicism.

Perhaps it started way back in earliest childhood. The Greens were neighbors of my favorite Grandma. I remember going over to their house frequently. I also remember all the pictures of Mary and Jesus all over the place. Then there was the rosary I inherited after
Mr. Green died. Only later in life was I told the Greens were devout Catholics, pre-Vatican II style.

How about all those years growing up in a military household that attended the base chapels, the ones where Protestants shared with the Catholics in what seemed an uneasy marriage? I recall vividly the confessionals, the fonts, those statues, the CCD classrooms, the unspoken rivalry. I also recall an unusual desire to attend parochial school but was told by my mother I couldn’t because I wasn’t Catholic. (Like I cared? They just seemed to have something better that what I had, and I secretly yearned for whatever it was.)

I also recall Agat Elementary School on Guam, which sat down the hill from this huge Catholic church. I remember well the shadow the church cast on my school, and though I wasn’t Catholic, I wanted to be up there on that hill. Only later, at the church’s festival, did I have that opportunity to go up there and sit in the cool of the church’s interior while my classmates busied themselves with the games. I wanted none of the festivities. I wanted what was hidden from me, up there in that church. And there I sat, ensconced in this unspeakable holiness, enveloped in prayer. I remember that vividly; I was only around 10 or 11 at the time, and feeling this overwhelming sense of awe at the place. It was there on Guam that I became aware of a “Pope”. He had visited the island when I lived there and oh what pageantry that was! The whoopla was unbelievable.

Then, later on in life, after I had moved away from home and had fallen away from my faith, I had that intermittent twinge that perhaps Catholicism was where I needed to be. Oh, I wanted to explore that, but I could never get up enough courage to follow through. Those twinges never amounted to much in the end, and those still small urges flew out of my head as fast as they entered.

Years have come and gone, and here I was, in the midst of a spiritual crisis. After a series of misadventures spiritually (and I mean that in the gentlest way possible, I assure you), I feel very strongly that the Lord had weeded out a lot of my rebelliousness and insubordination to bring me to this point. Perhaps, I needed to get that out of the way to be finally willing to lay my life down at the foot of his cross as cry out the proverbial “Uncle” that we all must do sometime in our lives if we truly want to draw closer to him. Here am I, Lord—now what? But Catholicism? No way. Or, is it maybe?

I have to thank Pope John Paul II’s death for pushing my “canoe over the dam”, so to speak. For the longest time, I’d held that man in highest esteem, and though this sounds silly to me now, I found it amazing that he could be such a Christian, an obvious man of God, and still be Catholic. I don’t know why I thought Catholics couldn’t be Christians, but I suppose I was in good company with a lot of my fellow Protestants on that matter. Then he died, and I grieved for him. The world had indeed lost someone truly special.

Something changed when he died. I started to put down my guard against Catholicism somewhat, and I mean it was a miniscule bit. I had to find out about his faith, beyond the simple faith in Christ issue. I wanted to know what Catholicism was actually about. So, I went out and got “Catholicism for Dummies”, and began to "challenge" the Church. That was the beginning of the end of my Protestant days. I just didn’t know it at the time. I knew something was amiss when I started praying for the conclave, and that the next pope would be a Godly man like his predecessor. Then things started to get a little scary. I mean, come on, a dyed-in-the-wool Protestant praying for the next pope? Please…

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!

2005-09-24T12:03:00.000-04:00

I finally went and did it! I created my own blog. Either I'm insane or I'm an undercover exhibitionist. You take your pick.

At any rate, I welcome you and hope that you'll enjoy this journey to Rome with me. I finally decided I needed to start a journal. I wanted to write down my thoughts and feelings regarding my journey to Rome. Why? Because I had to. I need this. This is for me, and about me. It is a way to document this momentous time in my life. I need this to tell my story. I need this in case anyone asks. I need this to vent and to ponder. I need this to document my journey. Most of all, I need this for my own sanity. There is nothing pretty here. No fancy words. It’s just plain and simple, and frankly, quite overdue. Months overdue.

It’ll be the story of an adventure of a lifetime. Where it’ll lead, no one knows at this point. It will be undoubtedly a challenge to face, one I hope to face with all the courage the Lord will provide, and certainly one which will demand patience and a sense of humour on my part and of those around me. So, the bags are packed and I’ve got my walking shoes laced up. Please join me as I strike out down the road to Rome…..